EVERYTHING’S FINE

Sometime during the course of your life you’re going to find out that not all good things last very long. I don’t think this takes away from the quality of those things, nor have I ever believed that all good things last forever. Sometimes you’re just truckin’ along on a happy, solid path when a big fat tree falls over in front of you and blocks it off. It sucks, but hey. It happens. It’s reality. Yay.
 
I think a lot of what I’ve learned during this attempt at adulthood is that things aren’t so scary. Sure, the first day on a new job can be intimidating (terrifying), but then you get past it and you learn everything you need to know and you’re fine.

This journey of self-discovery and life experience I’ve been on for the past year has been anything and everything but boring. I’ve been knocked down a few times and maybe it wasn’t as easy as I thought it’d be. Alas, here I am still standing, still alive, still fine. Changed, but fine.

I think the world and life are two things that are wonderfully embarked upon as a never ending learning experience and I think we were designed to constantly change the way we think about things.

I can’t even begin to describe or thank the people I’ve met and everything they’ve taught me about friendship, business and what it means to be a young person with this huge world of opportunity in front of you.

When all is said and done, the quality of your life depends on fulfilling the dreams that ignite your soul and being who you are in a world of people who want you to change. I’ve laughed more than any sane person should, cried in bathroom stalls, locked my keys in my car, broke my car, spent more money on clothes than food, questioned my future, failed (miserably) at grocery shopping, failed at lots of things and you know what? After all this, the God-honest truth is that everything’s fine.

You Found Me.

You were the first soul I ever saw. It wasn’t scary, it made me want to laugh. You looked at me and I saw a soul.

I don’t know what it was about that day or that night, but everything i’d ever known or learned about love shifted into a whole other type of thing. It made me think about why people want to love. It’s because when you find the right love, you get to see a soul.

I think our souls always knew each other and I often wonder if you saw my soul that night too. I like to think you did.

All I know is that you made me believe in more than just the physicality of our bodies and the nature of our beings. I’ve known you since the day I was born and I’ve loved you for so much longer than you’ll ever realize.

Thank you for looking for me.

New.

As a new year swiftly approaches I often wonder what the world would be like if it didn’t move so fast. I figure this is a thought I share with many, simply because there’s no way we could ever know. As I get older and the years begin to pass more quickly, I often find myself thinking about things like these.

It isn’t a matter of worry or regret. Just awareness. It manifests itself quietly in the heart of everything you know until one day you forget about all the magic you used to believe in.

Then you find yourself days shy of a brand new year, wondering where the last one went and hoping you served it as best you could.

So here we are. We’ve seen the face of humanity and can only be optimistic that one day love will become more significant and profound than animosity. The world is a place we’ve come to know a little too well and it is our home. Both sanctuary and place of war.

So it’s important to give credit to things that are good and to find value in everything you can’t replace. Resolve to be kind and to learn how to forgive. Be enthusiastic about living and don’t take yourself so seriously.

This place , this year and this life belongs to us.

Perfect Love.

Love never goes away. It just doesn’t. I know we all like to think that we’ve found perfect love but the truth is any love you find is most likely already broken. It’s already been given away. New love doesn’t exist. Recycled love remains as so. Recycled.

Maybe that robs us of the idea of perfect romance. I know we’ve been brought up around the knowledge that fairy tale endings are what make love so grand. If that were true, love would suck for everybody because fairy tales are fiction. I know most of us already know this, but I think a small part of us will always hold on to that innocence that once believed in everything.

To me, romance is knowing your heart is safe. It’s being the exact person you are and being loved no matter what that means. It’s looking at someone’s face and thinking “that’s my best friend.”

I’m aware that the man I love now has loved other’s before me. I don’t question the authenticity of that love because I already know that any kind of love you feel towards anything is always real. It’s up to me to accept and reciprocate the love he is giving me now because that’s the love that matters. It’s tarnished, raw and experienced but that’s what makes it so sincere.  No matter how broken, it continued on to find and love me. It’s one of my greatest blessings in life to know a heart so courageous.

Perfect doesn’t exist. Perfect is boring and love shouldn’t be boring. Getting through life is a struggle but having someone to pick you up off the ground when you fall makes it easier.

Having someone who thinks your heart is beautiful even after it’s been used and worn. That’s the kind of love we all deserve. The kind that only gets better with time.

Change

Something I think about a lot is how things change. Not necessarily why they do, that’s simple. Things change because they have to. Without it, life would only be the most boring thing ever.

When things change, you don’t really notice it happening. You just kind of compare wherever you are now to where you where a month ago, or six months ago, or a year ago. It’s kind of like getting your hair cut short and realizing one day that it’s long again. Magic? No. Time.

Time is what allows you to gain experience from all the ways you screw up. It’s actually pretty great. If life doesn’t slap you in the face every now and then how in the world are you ever going to learn?

It amazes me how much knowledge you can gain in a year. Even the simple stuff. It builds itself into your method of operation. Your logic changes and your mind begins to think completely differently.

I used to think I had it all figured out. The truth is, compared to now, I knew almost nothing about myself. Even now, I’ve just barely scratched the surface. It’s funny how easy it is to lose yourself in what you think you know. I’m sure in the future i’ll look back on today and think the very same thing.

Things will constantly change. Throughout your entire life. That’s why you can’t really plan for anything to turn out the way you expected. Just remember that life is what you make of it.

That’s the best part about all this. As little control as you have over what happens in the world or how things change, it’s on you to learn how to deal and make the best of not so ideal circumstances.

You have to learn how to play whatever cards you’re dealt. Even when things change, you’ll be ready.

Finding light

I’ve never taken into account how many ways things can go wrong. I’d like to believe it’s possible to have faith in almost everything without stumbling into a place darker than you’ve ever known. I’d like to believe that love is simple and if it’s real, it’s something that doesn’t falter.

There are nights when we’re starving to breathe but we can’t and everything feels like it’s lost. You feel so lost. It’s like running through a place that doesn’t show any signs of home. Because at this point, you don’t even know what home is.

You have ideas of what you’d like home to be, but you can’t reach them. You have bits and pieces of your world that you want so badly to put together even though they don’t fit. You lose your faith because faith let you down.

And then you turn to the people you know. You’re afraid because they’re afraid too. You look at all the mistakes they’ve made and it shields you from making any decisions based on yourself and what you think. You throw away the opportunity to learn for yourself. You surrender the path your heart wants you to follow, and that’s just a shame.

I think it’s important to understand that you can’t learn from a mistake unless it’s your own. You can’t rely on other broken people to teach broken you.

I know fear is something I write about a lot, but I think it’s just something that resonates with me. I feel like I owe it to myself, and anyone else, to sort it out in ways that make sense without tarnishing it’s value. Because I believe that fear brings us knowledge and incentive to become stronger people. That’s what I love most about being a person. I get to feel and I get to grow. I get to change. I get to learn more about myself every time I fail.

When you finally pull yourself out of the darkness, you understand the value of light.

Hunger.

My heart aches for things I can’t have. To the point where I can’t breathe. It isn’t fair and it isn’t right. My soul is hungry for things that don’t make sense. I want so badly to understand. I can’t, because feelings aren’t supposed to take the place of your thoughts and love isn’t supposed to keep you safe.

I wonder why people place rules around the way they feel. It seems wasteful to me. Maybe I’m just an irresponsible believer. Dreaming for things that aren’t real and hoping for things that never change.

I can’t explain this because this is unexplainable. I’d like to draw a world around me that isn’t filled with so much over-thinking. Where following your heart makes more sense than using the mistakes of other’s as an excuse to be afraid.

I think it’s ok to be selfish sometimes. Compromising your happiness and settling for a life that doesn’t feel like it’s supposed to be yours is what starves your soul. Sometimes it means letting go of love. Sometimes it means changing your plans and running after whatever it is you need to feel whole.

And sometimes you stick it out because you have a little bit of faith left. Even if it means hurting and yearning just a little longer because you hope  it’ll be worth it. And sometimes it isn’t, but that’s when you learn.

Just don’t be afraid anymore.

 

 

Time

I want to understand time. As mathematical as it allows itself to be, it seems like all it does is trick us.

I thought numbers were supposed to be honest. Something to depend on.

Do you ever feel like time runs away from you? Leaving behind shards of itself that it cons us into cherishing. Memories.

I look back on my life sometimes and think about all the seemingly ‘mundane’ moments I should have embraced whole-heartedly. There are days when I ache to recall the feeling of simply being little.

I miss my grandmother. I wish I could have learned more from her. I miss my grandfather. I wish I would have listened to more of his stories. I miss all the beautiful nonsense that filled my head without reason to cease.

Now all I think about is time.

All I want is to live in a world as beautiful as the one I used to know. The one I never thought i’d lose.

I think it’s important to try and appreciate time as a gift. Time gives us the opportunity to learn. Maybe sometimes from mistakes. Maybe sometimes from the kindness of other people. Because without time, we don’t grow, we don’t get older and we don’t see the difference between who we are and who we used to be.

I may not understand time but I know it has it’s purpose. Just like everything else.

Spiritual Reflection

I remember being seven. The world wasn’t quite the place I know now. It was summer time, and my sister was a babbling three-year-old discovering new objects around the kitchen. It was a beautiful day, but it was also the first time I ever saw my father cry. It was eleven years ago, and I still remember this moment more vividly than I could ever explain with words.  

It started with a phone call from my grandfather.  Though I was unaware of this at the time, my grandmother had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and she had already been through several rounds of aggressive chemotherapy. My grandpa called my dad that day to tell him that she was no longer responding to treatment and that the next few months would most likely be her last. I looked up at my father, the man who wasn’t supposed to be afraid of anything, and I realized from that point on that he was just like me. He had a mommy just like me, and she was dying.  I remember hugging him tight, hoping I could take his pain away, but I couldn’t. There was nothing I could do for the man who always made everything better for me.

The next few months were a mixture of a lot of things. We all gathered as a family, laughed, loved each other and tried to hold onto whatever little hope was left of this situation. I saw my grandmother become sicker, weaker and eventually turn into someone I could barely recognize anymore. I never fully understood why this was happening to her, or if I could stop it, but somehow I knew she had accepted it. All she wanted was this family to be united, all in the same house, sharing memories and reliving all the moments that had passed us by too quickly. I knew she wanted all of us to be together through this. 

The evening before my grandmother died was a quiet and cold one. It was Christmas time in Connecticut, and there she was, in the house where my dad grew up, lying in a hospital bed in the family room. So many Christmases we spent together in that room. We would fly up to see them almost every year, only this time it was to say goodbye.

I remember standing by the stairs, listening to the silence. I was scared to see her. I knew this was probably going to be the last time I held her hand or kissed her cheek. My dad took my hand and let me by her bedside. She smiled at me and held out a shaking hand. I remember the look in her eyes. She couldn’t say much, and I didn’t expect her to, but her eyes told her story all on their own. She was so ready to leave this earth and leave behind this sick, aching body. Since that moment, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so connected to this world. Because of her, I’m not afraid of dying. This event that I experienced as a seven-year-old changed my entire outlook on life and the fear of it ending.  Never again will I look at a cancer patient and feel scared for them. Instead, I will hope that they feel peace and satisfaction with the life they’ve led and the marks they will leave behind. I hope one day that my memory will affect somebody’s heart the way my grandmother’s affected mine. I still feel her love, and I see it mend the hearts of this family every day. 

The next morning my Grandmother passed. Her head was turned towards the window. It was snowing outside just like she’d hoped it would.

Psychological Anarchy

The battle within me is constant. One side triumphs while the other is lost forever. This is the last minute thought process before I fall asleep at night. By the time I awake, it is gone. Defeat has taken over me and I have no other choice but to surrender to the things that dismantle any sense of balance I once had.

Is this something that needs to happen in order to eliminate our demons? Do we ever really lose those?

The troubles that posses us. The dangers that surround us. The tricks our minds play when we’re alone that make us feel even smaller than we are to begin with.

All the parts of ourselves that are lost when the things we love become tarnished or broken. How do we ever come back from this.

I don’t know if we can ever really get back the parts of ourselves we lose. Maybe we find new things to fill in those cracks and maybe that’s enough.

For some, this is something that becomes routine. So often, that brand new people come to be. I suppose under the right circumstance this could be a good thing. Rebirth.

I don’t ever want to be misunderstood for someone who is afraid of this process. It compels me to be brave and mindful of the things and people I surround myself with.

While pandemonium is something that will inevitably live within my mind for the rest of my life, it ironically keeps me sane. Psychological anarchy at it’s best.

Embrace the crazy. Among a whole lot of other things in this world, it’s wonderful when you let it be.